Not All Crossroads Require a Turn

“Let the first impulse pass by and wait for the second, or even the third.”
— Baltasar Gracián

Did you ever feel that pressure? Time is finite. Make that decision now. Don’t procrastinate. It’s stressful to find yourself in that kind of place, where everything feels as though it is on the line, where every moment not devoted to your goal feels like wasted time. I’ve felt that pressure often over the past month, but there was another feeling present too, one equally as strong.

It was a strong sense of doubt. As gung ho as I was, there remained a nagging sense that I was on the wrong track. For a while, I dismissed it as self-sabotage, F.U.D., or perhaps just a lack of confidence. But when that feeling persisted day after day, I began to look deeper.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve tied up loose ends around the house, explored a number of creative ideas, and even developed a new product concept. But with each new idea, one major question kept turning up—could I produce it fast enough to avoid losing money on every sale? It was not a question of whether I could design something or make something. It was a question of math. Ultimately, if I wanted this business to be more than a side hustle, I needed to make products that rose above the usual hobby-grade fare and could still be produced in a reasonable amount of time. That realization only added to my uncertainty about what kind of future I should be building for Hallowed Oak Designs.

Now that looking for a new home is on the front burner, I’ve begun to reflect on what opportunities lie ahead. The cost of home buying has weighed heavily on those reflections. What if I can’t make enough money to carry my end of the mortgage? As my wife and I discuss our future, and the kinds of homes and areas we’re interested in, a stark reality continues to feed those feelings of doubt. It is in an environment like this that someone can make a rash decision out of fear.

So, while I’m at a point where my optimism is just as valid as my skepticism, for a number of very solid reasons, it seems best not to ruminate too much. It seems better to understand the importance of focusing on the tasks at hand. Not to avoid things, and not to live in a state of denial, but to know when I’m simply spinning my mental wheels. To recognize when I’m wasting time on ideas that have not proven to give me the best leverage, and when it is better to take care of more immediate needs.

That being said, I do have a timeframe. I can’t be indecisive forever. But I know this is one of those instances in which I could easily get lost in the throes of infinite optimism, even though I have a finite amount of time, money, and patience. I’ve been known to dream extensively and to kid myself just as much. In hindsight, I’ve made many decisions that were not especially well thought out. The best I can say is that I’ve learned from them.

I’ve thrown myself into making all kinds of products, but I often didn’t stop to consider the math. It shouldn’t take me four hours to make something I could realistically sell for twenty-five dollars. I thought I’d get better, faster. I shouldn’t always assume that. I should better anticipate the entire process of a design and how it stacks up against the overall margins. I’m not ashamed of this. I made mistakes. I know what those mistakes were now, and it’s all part of a learning curve that begins with a design, moves into manufacturing, and ends with a sale. I’ve had a lot of experience with the first part of that equation, and not as much with the rest. Of course I was going to find difficulty there!

Conversely, at this time I could also F.U.D. myself into taking the first job that comes my way after the move. I have a history of not being as selective in the past. Getting caught in my own competence trap, I’ve stayed in those jobs far longer than I should have. Could I do the work? Absolutely. Was it burning me out instead of energizing me? Too often. “I’ll just will myself into a better situation here.” Sure. And square pegs will someday fit into round holes. Right.

I just don’t want to find myself drifting into two bad paths. One is the path in which I lose a great deal of time and money, as I have before, trying to come up with the next breakthrough product that could finally turn my business into something viable. The other is the path in which I just choose the first company that’ll hire me without sizing up how much of a mutually beneficial match it could be. It is not lost on me that many people do this every day to pay the bills, to take care of family members, and so on. I understand that life’s decisions can, at times, amount to a choice between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been there. I’d rather not be there again.

I choose neither. I choose to let my instincts guide me this time. Now that I’m more cognizant of the traps I could fall into again, the warning signs are far less obscure, and I’d rather defer those decisions until a time when I can be more levelheaded. I laugh to myself as I write this. “If I’m not grounded in my thinking now, then when? After even more time has elapsed?” I’m going to let this one churn in the background while I work on other things. I hear that’s usually where the eureka moments strike. Maybe I should give that a shot for once. Go for some walks. See what happens.

If and when I need to fall back on certain strengths and re-enter the workforce, I will have much more discernment. I’ll be just as interested as any employer is in seeing whether it’s a great match. As all of this continues to unfold, I do not regret this attempt to take part in an entire production process through my own business. I’ve learned much more about designing for new equipment, supply chain issues, purchasing the right raw materials, manufacturing the parts, getting them to market, packaging, and fulfilling orders. If all I really gain from this is experience, then I hope it will eventually pay off for me and for others.

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